The Gift Of An Ordinary Day...and Cookies

Not being allowed to wait with her at the bus.

The door to her room more closed than open.

Mumbled "I love you's," eye rolls, and air expelled from deep in her chest.

Hands that avoid mine in crowded spaces or crossing streets.

A figure that is filling out in ways that scare me.


Tight jeans that "aren't tight, Mom."

My baby is no longer my baby.
How did this happen so fast?  People warned me about this but I didn't listen. (Or just didn't want to believe it.)  There are only 18 years before they head out and the writing is on the wall.  I am proud of how she has blossomed from the shy, scared child placed in my arms to the confident, intelligent woman she is becoming. The girl is still there but she peeks out less and less.

I had been thinking about all these things for the past several days because it has always seemed to me that kids grow up in chunks.  I don't seem to notice the little teeny changes that happen each and everyday.  Instead, I seem to take notice one day and suddenly that little chubby cheeked cherub has changed and there is no turning back.  I remember watching her as she slept when she was little; seeing in the shadows all the different faces she would become in the future.  In front of me was a little innocent baby, but I could also see the faces of a teenager, a young adult, and even an old woman.  Look closely, I bet you can see it in your little ones too.

Now, the faces I only saw in my imagination are starting to become reality, and I wish for what was.  But that is not fair to the one that is riding the wave of time marching on.  She is embracing the changes and pushing headlong into the brave new world that is her story.  And hopefully I will be able to have a place somewhere, cheering her on.

And today, when the door slams as she comes home from school and asks what there is to eat, we can sit and have some oreo cookies and milk together.  I can listen to her day and her heart and maybe even try dunking for a change.  The glue of the ordinary will need to help my heart be still and be open to the possibilities she sees for tomorrow.

(The inspiration for this blog post came as I was wallowing on Facebook, spending entirely too much time not working. I stumbled upon this video of Katrina Kenison reading  from her book The Gift Of An Ordinary Day.)

Your Hugs Make My Day

This morning as my littlest one was getting ready to head off on the bus, she came up and almost tackled me to give me a huge hug.  I told her that her hugs made my day. 

"Really?" she asked.  "Well then you need another one."

So another ferocious squish came my way.  I told her that would keep me going until she came home from school.

"You think about me when I am at school?"

My girls are growing up.  One is in middle school and the other is soon to leave the cocoon  of elementary school.  She is my big 5th grader.  My house has grown quiet from 8:00am to 3:30 or there abouts.  I think of them at random times.  When I find a pair of shoes looking more like adult shoes than kid ones.  When I find Cowie, a very loved, rancid smelling, stuffed bovine that goes everywhere but to school.  When I replace the cap on the toothpaste for the upteenth million time.  When I sit quietly in their rooms at odd times of the day just looking to see who they are becoming by the jumble of stuff that litters the counters, floor, and closets in their rooms. 

Today, I found the book The Kissing Hand on my little one's bed.  I had forgotten about the many kisses planted on open palms as we navigated preschool.  I think today we did a little twist...it was The Hugging Arms.  I can still feel her earnest squish and see her upturned face with bright eyes and big smile before she went running for the bus. 

Yes, I think about you when you are at school and I realize that I am the luckiest mom in the world.  Your hugs truly make my day.

And I will make sure to tell her that when she gets home tonight.

I Know I Came Into This Room for a Reason...

This weekend is a milestone for me. I officially become older. (Older than dirt is what my kids tell me.) This reminded me of something I wrote for a book called Adoption Parenting, Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections that I thought I would share with you guys.

Older Parent Toolkit
Helpful Things I Have Finally Learned
By Carrie Kitze

The Patience Tool. As a younger person, I had no patience. My husband and I fall into the same category and were always looking for places to acquire some. I discovered it came with age and experience. And I thought perhaps I could get some on Ebay. I am certain I am much more patient with my kids than I would have been had I become a parent in my mid to late twenties.

The Modeling Tool. I have come to realize that I can learn a lot from others just by observing and listening. Since I have had a few extra years to do that, it has been helpful as a parent. I watch teachers, caregivers, other moms, friends. It’s a great resource and it is just before your eyes. And it actually works for kids too! (Unfortunately they model both the good behavior and the bad...)

The Understanding Tool. I have also discovered that everyone does things a bit differently and has their own unique life experiences that impact them and make them who they are. There are no right or wrong answers but I can listen and learn from them and then apply things to my life experience and make the best decisions for myself and my family because I really do know them best. And for someone else, it will probably be different. I can also support others that do things in a different manner than I have chosen to do.

The I Don’t Give a Rat’s A$# Tool. This is probably the most freeing tool I have discovered. I really don’t care what people think. About me, about how I am parenting my kids. I have learned to smile and nod or make some kind of random small talk and move on. I have come to the realization that I know my kids and myself best and thanks for the advice, but see ‘The Understanding Tool’.

The Boundaries Tool. This is a great tool because it helps you to dump the things that are just causing you pain and frustration. I have strategies for dealing with family visits and dealing with relatives. I choose outside activities not by what everyone else is doing, but by what gives me satisfaction, or good friends, or some benefit for my children (either short or long-term). I do things which don’t make me resentful but give me joy. As I have started looking for joy in the things I spend my limited time with, I have found myself more content...which just makes life better.

The Humor Tool. I couldn’t get through life without this. The ability to laugh at yourself and with others is one of life’s greatest gifts. I am also fortunate to have one of the funniest kids living under my roof. I can’t wait to see where she ends up, but she keeps me laughing, even when I want to wring her neck!

The Support Tool. This has been really important to me and keeps me sane. My support is not family but instead my circle of friends. I have become selective with friends and I have a wonderful group of supportive, caring moms who I share a cup of coffee, a walk, or an email. They listen, I listen and we have a wonderful give and take. Some of my friends I can sit across the table from and others are around the world. How do you build a network? It doesn’t happen overnight. It is a process that requires tending and maintenance, like any good relationship. It’s never too late to start...

The Wisdom of Knowing Me. Understanding myself has been key to me in being a good older parent. I am not sure without this I would have been ready or capable of embarking on the work I have had to do to become the parent I want to be for my children. That has been my best gift to myself and has really made me a more centered and happier person, which just makes all of the above easier. My tribal wisdom has been hard won and I have been able to help others with some of the things I have learned realizing that those I share my thoughts with will take what is helpful to them and discard the rest...

Who Said There Had To Be A Point to the Story?

We all have our own stories: how we got here, who we are, who we want to be. For each of us it is a unique journey and for some it is an easier one than others.

I was born into a family as the second child. My parents did the best they knew how, but my mom struggled. With parenting, with who she was, with giving love since she didn't get the love she thought she deserved when she was a child. There are days I wallow more in what could have been than others. She died five years ago of breast cancer. I had hoped that there would be a chance for a closeness, a change in outlook, but there wasn't. So that's a card in my deck, and one that is my problem. But I can see the effects of that card as I raise my girls.

My children have come to our family through adoption. Someone made a decision to not parent them, for whatever reason, and they have a different deck of cards to play. My youngest feels the loss with her heart and soul. It is woven in the very fabric of her being. She is always testing to make sure love is readily available and we do our best to meet her where she needs to be. But somedays, it's hard. I look at that card in my deck and wonder why she should get what I didn't. Here I am sounding like a selfish three year old. I know in my mind that I am lucky to be able to do for someone what another wasn't able to do for me. But my heart still has a hole in it for what I lost. Not unlike the hole she has for what she lost. Perhaps, together we can work to mitigate the loss. Not replace it, but get our arms around it, embrace it and walk forward together.

So what's my point? Don't really have one except to document the moment and hope that in the sharing it makes someone else think about their deck of cards and how it impacts those around them.

I JUST REALIZED I COULD HAVE USED CAPS LOCK

Ever do things the hard way? This flair really spoke to me because there are times I find myself working much harder at things than I really need to. Ever been to the grocery store, bought 15 or something and watched the check out person scan each and every item instead of punching in the number and scanning one?

Why is it that we do things the hard way?

My favorite "hard way" is how many people talk to kids. I watched a woman in a store recently lecturing a 3 year old on the virtues of not running away. After several sentences of instructions, the child had a glazed look on his face.

So what is a parent to do?

I love the advice of Dr. William Sears. He has 25 ways to talk so your child will listen

Here are some of my favorites of his ideas to help get you started. Click the link above for the rest...and realize that these work for a variety of ages. A toddler, a tween or teen, even your husband....

1. Connect before you direct
Before giving your child directions, squat to your child's eye level and engage your child in eye-to-eye contact to get his attention. Teach him how to focus: "Mary, I need your eyes." "Billy, I need your ears." Offer the same body language when listening to the child. Be sure not to make your eye contact so intense that your child perceives it as controlling rather than connecting.

2. Address the child
Open your request with the child's name, "Lauren, will you please..."

3. Stay brief
We use the one-sentence rule: Put the main directive in the opening sentence. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is to become parent-deaf. Too much talking is a very common mistake when dialoging about an issue. It gives the child the feeling that you're not quite sure what it is you want to say. If she can keep you talking she can get you sidetracked.

4. Stay simple
Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Listen to how kids communicate with each other and take note. When your child shows that glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood.

5. Ask your child to repeat the request back to you
If he can't, it's too long or too complicated.

So do it the easy way...keep it simple, use concise, direct language and even-tempered tones. See how that works in your house. When I can remember to do this, I find I have much better results.

Always Make New Mistakes

I was meandering through the pieces of flair on facebook, because I am avoiding other work I need to be doing, and found this gem. It got me to thinking.

How often as parents do we do the same thing expecting different results?

Over and over, we make the same mistakes. Communicating by yelling, saying things that sound suspiciously like our parents said to us that we hated, threatening and not following through. Not listening or understanding where the stuff that is driving us nuts is coming from. Really coming from. Did I mention not listening?

That is probably the mistake I make the most often. I am a repeat offender more often than I would like to admit. It's my most recurring mistake. Did you say something? Sorry, I was wallowing in a place that was all about me. My kid was doing that just to push my buttons, to make me mad, to waste my time.

Where I get stuck in the mistake cycle is that this parenting thing is all about me, right? What kind of parent do I look like on the outside to other people when my kids are acting out? Why am I the one who has to deal with this tough stuff and not my husband?

Discipline comes from the latin disciplina meaning instruction or knowledge. Instruction comes from teaching and knowledge comes from....listening.

Instead of continuing on the same path with the same results, let's try to do things a little differently. If you haven't had a chance to check out the work of B. Bryan Post, I would suggest you read some of his work on parenting, discipline, love and fear. He has podcasts, a newsletter, books and other great resources that will help each of us on that repeat offender status with our kids. And that yelling and not listening stuff I mentioned above can become a thing of the past for you (unless you really like it....)

Albert Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Today will be the day I try something different. Even if I make a mistake, at least it won't be the same one and I can keep moving forward. As Bryan would say, "Choose Love". It's just a much better place to start the day from!

Life Isn't About Finding Yourself, Life is About Creating Yourself

For those of you who know my publishing company, EMK Press, you know we recently came out with a book for adopted teens. For those of you who don't, Pieces of Me: Who do I Want to Be? edited by Robert L.Ballard is the book I learned the most publishing. It's a submission based book with articles/artwork/poetry/prose from mostly adoptee contributors from the ages of 11 to 63. It is designed for a teen audience, both in look and substance. It is also a great resource for those who want to get a peek in the window of what their teens might be thinking/feeling. Any parents out there?

But mostly, it's a book that says everybody has a basket of crap to haul around. It's not about what is in the basket, but what you want to do with what is in the basket. There are many stories about very different kinds of baskets of crap. Abuse. Abandonment. Longing. Feelings. Sharing. What comes out is that each of us, regardless of who we are and what our life experiences are, not only has the basket with all that crap but each day we get to consider what we want to do with it. And there are an endless number of choices.

When life events seem overwhelming, we each get a chance every day to decide what to do. Wallow or not. Be angry, or not. Feel loved, or not. Be empowered, or not.

What is your choice?

With the choice of what you want to do with your basket of crap, you have a chance to choose who you are and who you want to be. And that may change tomorrow. And that is ok.

Who are you going to create today?