Always Make New Mistakes

I was meandering through the pieces of flair on facebook, because I am avoiding other work I need to be doing, and found this gem. It got me to thinking.

How often as parents do we do the same thing expecting different results?

Over and over, we make the same mistakes. Communicating by yelling, saying things that sound suspiciously like our parents said to us that we hated, threatening and not following through. Not listening or understanding where the stuff that is driving us nuts is coming from. Really coming from. Did I mention not listening?

That is probably the mistake I make the most often. I am a repeat offender more often than I would like to admit. It's my most recurring mistake. Did you say something? Sorry, I was wallowing in a place that was all about me. My kid was doing that just to push my buttons, to make me mad, to waste my time.

Where I get stuck in the mistake cycle is that this parenting thing is all about me, right? What kind of parent do I look like on the outside to other people when my kids are acting out? Why am I the one who has to deal with this tough stuff and not my husband?

Discipline comes from the latin disciplina meaning instruction or knowledge. Instruction comes from teaching and knowledge comes from....listening.

Instead of continuing on the same path with the same results, let's try to do things a little differently. If you haven't had a chance to check out the work of B. Bryan Post, I would suggest you read some of his work on parenting, discipline, love and fear. He has podcasts, a newsletter, books and other great resources that will help each of us on that repeat offender status with our kids. And that yelling and not listening stuff I mentioned above can become a thing of the past for you (unless you really like it....)

Albert Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Today will be the day I try something different. Even if I make a mistake, at least it won't be the same one and I can keep moving forward. As Bryan would say, "Choose Love". It's just a much better place to start the day from!

Life Isn't About Finding Yourself, Life is About Creating Yourself

For those of you who know my publishing company, EMK Press, you know we recently came out with a book for adopted teens. For those of you who don't, Pieces of Me: Who do I Want to Be? edited by Robert L.Ballard is the book I learned the most publishing. It's a submission based book with articles/artwork/poetry/prose from mostly adoptee contributors from the ages of 11 to 63. It is designed for a teen audience, both in look and substance. It is also a great resource for those who want to get a peek in the window of what their teens might be thinking/feeling. Any parents out there?

But mostly, it's a book that says everybody has a basket of crap to haul around. It's not about what is in the basket, but what you want to do with what is in the basket. There are many stories about very different kinds of baskets of crap. Abuse. Abandonment. Longing. Feelings. Sharing. What comes out is that each of us, regardless of who we are and what our life experiences are, not only has the basket with all that crap but each day we get to consider what we want to do with it. And there are an endless number of choices.

When life events seem overwhelming, we each get a chance every day to decide what to do. Wallow or not. Be angry, or not. Feel loved, or not. Be empowered, or not.

What is your choice?

With the choice of what you want to do with your basket of crap, you have a chance to choose who you are and who you want to be. And that may change tomorrow. And that is ok.

Who are you going to create today?

Who Stole My Happy Place?

For us, school is winding down this week and it is a time of major transitions. The structure of school gives comfort to many kids and mine are no different. They know what to expect. There are things to do that keep them busy. It's predictable.

Now, that doesn't mean they don't grouse about school and the work they have to do. For some kids, down time is scary time. Especially for kids who have been through multiple transitions with no control over the outcome (think abandonment or relenquishment, transition to orphanage or baby home, transition to foster family (or families), transition to adoptive family.) For these kids, transition can be a really frightening thing because big things happen with transitions. Because of this, you might see a number of coping strategies emerge. Some kids get quiet and go inside themselves, others blow up for what seems like no reason. Others are just plain on edge. Seen that in your house lately?

How can we help?

First, name the feeling.
Adults are afraid of some transitions as well. Talk about the changes, how and what your child is feeling, and help your child see what parts of it they can control. Take a camera to school and take photos of their friends and their old classroom. If they are moving to new rooms in the fall and you don't know the teacher yet, take photos of all their rooms to make the speculation more concrete. Talk about what if each scenario occurred. "What would it be like to get Mrs. X?" "How about Mr. Y?" "What would be different if you had Miss Z?" Helping kids understand that they can get their arms around the unknown helps make the transition go a little smoother.

Create a sense of routine.
For a number of years, we have created a notebook that the kids work on a little each day through the summer. There are math worksheets, books to read, forms for making book reports, science experiments, places to draw, letters to write, fun activities using at home stuff. There are tabs for the week so you need to get through the items from one week to move to the next. Make this something your child will enjoy by putting some activities that they really enjoy as "assignments". (Finding and cooking a recipe, laying on your back finding shapes in the clouds, walking 6000 steps, reading a set number of books, playing a new game every week...) At the end of each completed week (or when the entire book is done) offer a reward: an outing to a favorite place, gift cards, something special they can earn like a DS game. Better yet, have them help you pick the reward.

Find a new happy place
Summer gives us new time to connect as a family and it doesn't have to be a big deal or cost much. We toast marshmallows, catch lightening bugs, dance in the rain, run through the sprinklers, read out loud to each other, cook and eat together and just generally hang and recharge as a family. Connections and a safe place to come home to make for a new happy place.

Super Dad

To all the Dad's out there, today is a day to celebrate dadness. So hug the dads you know and think about the ones you may not be with or haven't met, or who are lost to you forever.

I asked my husband this morning if being a dad was all he thought it would be. A sentimental look passed over his face as he peered into the place filled with memories. "It's just what I expected and more. I wouldn't have changed a thing."

This is from someone who wasn't quite ready to become a dad by adoption until he met his first daughter halfway around the world. After the first few moments together, he wasn't willing to let her feet touch the ground. I have many photos of a small baby strapped on to a 6 foot 2 inch guy who was head and shoulders above the crowd...in so many ways.

His journey to fatherhood was not the one he pictured in his head, but he picked up the ball and ran with it and hasn't stopped. He has only girls, but he loves them fiercely with a pride that just bursts. He has worked with each of them to find their strengths and help them find the delight in doing what they enjoy. He has a very special relationship with each.

Today we also think of the fathers we don't know. Both my girls have birth fathers who are an unknown to them. Part of these men are in my daughters. The question is what part? One must be an athlete, the other have a terrific sense of humor and tons of compassion. It's hard to see where the biology ends and the environment starts. But that's not the point. These girls are who they are and who they are choosing to be because of all the people who have added elements to their lives. While it may not have been the first path chosen, it's the one they are on. So we honor all the parts.

We also are missing some dads today. My husband lost his father over 20 years ago and the loss is still painful. A good friend of ours lost his dad on Friday and today marks a tough first. The first Father's day without his dad and everything is fresh and raw. His dad, Perry, was a tough guy who wanted the best for his kids. He wasn't always able to tell them how proud he was of who they were becoming. For some dads, that's a hard conversation to have. But I knew how proud Perry was because he told me. So I will share that with his kids. If you are a dad, why don't you take a moment to share directly with your kids what makes you proud to be their father. That is what makes a SuperDad.

You Rock

You Rock! and you and you and you rock! Each of us rocks in different ways with different things. And it's really cool when you tell them. Catch your kids rocking at something. How about a teacher or a coach. And then tell them that they rock!

I just sent a link to this palindrome video that is really empowering to some people who I think rock. (Big word alert, a palindrome is something that reads the same forward and backwards and this is a super creative use of that tool.) Since we are still in school (until next Wednesday, I sent it to the teachers and principal who have worked with my kids with a note telling them how they rock not only for my kids, but for all the kids they interact with. Based on the notes by return email, I think hearing that they rock was a huge hit.

Who can you tell "YOU ROCK" today?

Don't Push The Big Red Button

Don't push it. You know you want to. See you in a few minutes if you can ever stop pushing it.....click your browser back button if you want to come back.

Do your kids push your big red button? Mine do. One in particular. I figured out that she is a lot like me. Shocker, I know. So how do you get out of that particular parent trap? Her behavior is similar to mine when I was a kid and I wasn't allowed to get away with that....sound familiar? What's a parent to do? First, understand your triggers and what to do with them by reading this article on dirt piles and emotional triggers. Second, assess if this is a battle you really want to fight. Really. Do you need to argue about string beans or red socks or who is right? Is it that cool to put one over on a 9 year old? Probably not. So take a deep breath, hike up those big girl panties (or big boy shorts) and don't wallow where your button pusher is trying to take you. Wait until they are calm and you are calm and then deal with the situation. What pushes your buttons?

If You Don't Understand My Silence, You Won't Understand My Words

Sometimes as parents (especially of those tweens and teens) we try so hard to keep the conversation going that we forget that a lot of communication can happen in silence. So try this...next time your child starts talking, just listen. Don't steer or correct or direct. Just listen. It doesn't matter if there aren't words. Silence is golden. And that time spent together is precious because in the blink of an eye..it's gone. So sit in companionable silence, each thinking your own thoughts. Just share the space. Then, when it comes time to listen to words, you will have practiced that silent stuff. That listening stuff. It's all good. Is it hard for you to listen? Let me know your strategies for being in the moment with your kids.