I Know I Came Into This Room for a Reason...

This weekend is a milestone for me. I officially become older. (Older than dirt is what my kids tell me.) This reminded me of something I wrote for a book called Adoption Parenting, Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections that I thought I would share with you guys.

Older Parent Toolkit
Helpful Things I Have Finally Learned
By Carrie Kitze

The Patience Tool. As a younger person, I had no patience. My husband and I fall into the same category and were always looking for places to acquire some. I discovered it came with age and experience. And I thought perhaps I could get some on Ebay. I am certain I am much more patient with my kids than I would have been had I become a parent in my mid to late twenties.

The Modeling Tool. I have come to realize that I can learn a lot from others just by observing and listening. Since I have had a few extra years to do that, it has been helpful as a parent. I watch teachers, caregivers, other moms, friends. It’s a great resource and it is just before your eyes. And it actually works for kids too! (Unfortunately they model both the good behavior and the bad...)

The Understanding Tool. I have also discovered that everyone does things a bit differently and has their own unique life experiences that impact them and make them who they are. There are no right or wrong answers but I can listen and learn from them and then apply things to my life experience and make the best decisions for myself and my family because I really do know them best. And for someone else, it will probably be different. I can also support others that do things in a different manner than I have chosen to do.

The I Don’t Give a Rat’s A$# Tool. This is probably the most freeing tool I have discovered. I really don’t care what people think. About me, about how I am parenting my kids. I have learned to smile and nod or make some kind of random small talk and move on. I have come to the realization that I know my kids and myself best and thanks for the advice, but see ‘The Understanding Tool’.

The Boundaries Tool. This is a great tool because it helps you to dump the things that are just causing you pain and frustration. I have strategies for dealing with family visits and dealing with relatives. I choose outside activities not by what everyone else is doing, but by what gives me satisfaction, or good friends, or some benefit for my children (either short or long-term). I do things which don’t make me resentful but give me joy. As I have started looking for joy in the things I spend my limited time with, I have found myself more content...which just makes life better.

The Humor Tool. I couldn’t get through life without this. The ability to laugh at yourself and with others is one of life’s greatest gifts. I am also fortunate to have one of the funniest kids living under my roof. I can’t wait to see where she ends up, but she keeps me laughing, even when I want to wring her neck!

The Support Tool. This has been really important to me and keeps me sane. My support is not family but instead my circle of friends. I have become selective with friends and I have a wonderful group of supportive, caring moms who I share a cup of coffee, a walk, or an email. They listen, I listen and we have a wonderful give and take. Some of my friends I can sit across the table from and others are around the world. How do you build a network? It doesn’t happen overnight. It is a process that requires tending and maintenance, like any good relationship. It’s never too late to start...

The Wisdom of Knowing Me. Understanding myself has been key to me in being a good older parent. I am not sure without this I would have been ready or capable of embarking on the work I have had to do to become the parent I want to be for my children. That has been my best gift to myself and has really made me a more centered and happier person, which just makes all of the above easier. My tribal wisdom has been hard won and I have been able to help others with some of the things I have learned realizing that those I share my thoughts with will take what is helpful to them and discard the rest...

Who Said There Had To Be A Point to the Story?

We all have our own stories: how we got here, who we are, who we want to be. For each of us it is a unique journey and for some it is an easier one than others.

I was born into a family as the second child. My parents did the best they knew how, but my mom struggled. With parenting, with who she was, with giving love since she didn't get the love she thought she deserved when she was a child. There are days I wallow more in what could have been than others. She died five years ago of breast cancer. I had hoped that there would be a chance for a closeness, a change in outlook, but there wasn't. So that's a card in my deck, and one that is my problem. But I can see the effects of that card as I raise my girls.

My children have come to our family through adoption. Someone made a decision to not parent them, for whatever reason, and they have a different deck of cards to play. My youngest feels the loss with her heart and soul. It is woven in the very fabric of her being. She is always testing to make sure love is readily available and we do our best to meet her where she needs to be. But somedays, it's hard. I look at that card in my deck and wonder why she should get what I didn't. Here I am sounding like a selfish three year old. I know in my mind that I am lucky to be able to do for someone what another wasn't able to do for me. But my heart still has a hole in it for what I lost. Not unlike the hole she has for what she lost. Perhaps, together we can work to mitigate the loss. Not replace it, but get our arms around it, embrace it and walk forward together.

So what's my point? Don't really have one except to document the moment and hope that in the sharing it makes someone else think about their deck of cards and how it impacts those around them.