I Know I Came Into This Room for a Reason...

This weekend is a milestone for me. I officially become older. (Older than dirt is what my kids tell me.) This reminded me of something I wrote for a book called Adoption Parenting, Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections that I thought I would share with you guys.

Older Parent Toolkit
Helpful Things I Have Finally Learned
By Carrie Kitze

The Patience Tool. As a younger person, I had no patience. My husband and I fall into the same category and were always looking for places to acquire some. I discovered it came with age and experience. And I thought perhaps I could get some on Ebay. I am certain I am much more patient with my kids than I would have been had I become a parent in my mid to late twenties.

The Modeling Tool. I have come to realize that I can learn a lot from others just by observing and listening. Since I have had a few extra years to do that, it has been helpful as a parent. I watch teachers, caregivers, other moms, friends. It’s a great resource and it is just before your eyes. And it actually works for kids too! (Unfortunately they model both the good behavior and the bad...)

The Understanding Tool. I have also discovered that everyone does things a bit differently and has their own unique life experiences that impact them and make them who they are. There are no right or wrong answers but I can listen and learn from them and then apply things to my life experience and make the best decisions for myself and my family because I really do know them best. And for someone else, it will probably be different. I can also support others that do things in a different manner than I have chosen to do.

The I Don’t Give a Rat’s A$# Tool. This is probably the most freeing tool I have discovered. I really don’t care what people think. About me, about how I am parenting my kids. I have learned to smile and nod or make some kind of random small talk and move on. I have come to the realization that I know my kids and myself best and thanks for the advice, but see ‘The Understanding Tool’.

The Boundaries Tool. This is a great tool because it helps you to dump the things that are just causing you pain and frustration. I have strategies for dealing with family visits and dealing with relatives. I choose outside activities not by what everyone else is doing, but by what gives me satisfaction, or good friends, or some benefit for my children (either short or long-term). I do things which don’t make me resentful but give me joy. As I have started looking for joy in the things I spend my limited time with, I have found myself more content...which just makes life better.

The Humor Tool. I couldn’t get through life without this. The ability to laugh at yourself and with others is one of life’s greatest gifts. I am also fortunate to have one of the funniest kids living under my roof. I can’t wait to see where she ends up, but she keeps me laughing, even when I want to wring her neck!

The Support Tool. This has been really important to me and keeps me sane. My support is not family but instead my circle of friends. I have become selective with friends and I have a wonderful group of supportive, caring moms who I share a cup of coffee, a walk, or an email. They listen, I listen and we have a wonderful give and take. Some of my friends I can sit across the table from and others are around the world. How do you build a network? It doesn’t happen overnight. It is a process that requires tending and maintenance, like any good relationship. It’s never too late to start...

The Wisdom of Knowing Me. Understanding myself has been key to me in being a good older parent. I am not sure without this I would have been ready or capable of embarking on the work I have had to do to become the parent I want to be for my children. That has been my best gift to myself and has really made me a more centered and happier person, which just makes all of the above easier. My tribal wisdom has been hard won and I have been able to help others with some of the things I have learned realizing that those I share my thoughts with will take what is helpful to them and discard the rest...